Rumor has it Duke Cannon played a little independent ball back in Sioux Falls in the early 80s. And though he never got a sniff of the majors, employees at Duke Cannon headquarters can still sniff the $18 pork belly nachos wafting over from nearby Target Field in downtown Minneapolis. Those magical, overpriced whiffs return next week as teams take to the field for Opening Day, but given that we can't name three dudes on any Major League roster, we'll take a look back at yesteryear to shine a light on some of baseball's most eccentric characters, a group of fellows who make our All-Berserker Team.r

Boss Schmidt

Don't let the crazy-eyed smile fool you; Boss Schmidt was one of baseball's all-time badass dudes. A catcher for Detroit from 1906-1911, Schmidt was known to pound in nails with his bare hands and refused to use modern amenities like the "shin guards" used by present day's pampered backstops. While not exactly a force with the bat, he likely racked up more fights than doubles, scrapping with teammates like Ty Cobb during the season and with carnival grizzly bears during the off-season. He later quit baseball to take up boxing, reportedly beating heavyweight champion Jack Johnson (no, not the contemporary adult singer you hear in dentist waiting rooms.) 

Rube Waddell

In 1976, an eccentric pitcher named Mark “The Byrd” Fidrych captured the hearts of Americans with on-field antics like talking to the baseball and shaking hands with his infielders after they made a decent play. But The Byrd's theatrics were downright boring compared to those of George “Rube” Waddell. A Hall of Fame pitcher from 1902-1910 who also earned money wrestling alligators in the off-season, Rube had a long-standing fascination with fire trucks and would occasionally run off the field to chase after them during games. Other times, he would leave mid-game to go fishing. It was said he was easily distracted by fans who held up puppies or shiny objects in the stands. So basically, he was the 5-year-old version of my nephew with a 92 MPH fastball. 

Grover Cleveland Alexander

While today’s athletes subsist on a diet of tofu kabobs and organic kombucha, Ol' Pete Alexander’s diet likely consisted of stale beef jerky and a 5th of bathtub hooch. A prolific drinker who happened to be an incredible pitcher for almost 20 years, he racked up an impressive 378 wins and 2200 strikeouts while leading the lead in hangovers. An inspiration to all modern-day bros who can go out late and still “crush work” the next day, Alexander once came in to save Game 7 of the ‘27 World Series against the mighty Yankees despite getting “wrecked” the night before. It’s only presumed that Babe Ruth had a worse hangover. 

Dock Ellis

Over an 11-year career, Dock Ellis was an above average starting pitcher for 5 teams, accumulating 138 wins with an earned run average of 3.46. His ERA, however, while under the influence of the hallucinogenic, LSD, was a remarkable 0.00. On June 12, 1970, Ellis reportedly took 3 hits of acid before a game against the Padres and proceeded to pitch 9 innings of no-hit ball despite pitching to whom he thought was "Jimi Hendrix using a guitar bat" while "Richard Nixon called balls and strikes." I know we make a lot of stuff up, but this is literally a copy and paste from his own recollection, which, understandably, is a bit hazy.

The Beer and Bourbon Box

Experts predict that there will be 7x more beer consumed in baseball stadiums on Opening Day than there was in all of 2020. To commemorate this overconsumption, consider signing an all-star infield of heavy hitters with our Beer and Bourbon Box. With 40 oz. of booze-inspired soap and four distinct woodsy scents, the good smells in your shower will last far longer than the Tigers' playoffs hopes.*

*Detroit fans, don't hate I'm one of you. Writing jokes is how I cope.